Mr. Big, Mom's Girlfriend and Female Friendship

I found the following wonderful story on the Blond & Blithe blog. It is a beautiful, happy, sad story on girlfriends. Thanks Emily for writing it and for granting me permission to feature it here. Check out her blog for more fun, feminine stories and take a lesson from Emily to cherish your time with girlfriends!

Mr. Big to Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte: "You're the loves of her life and a guy's just lucky to come in fourth."

Big, of course, understood, (even if it was ficticious), that a woman's friends are everything to her, especially as we get older and more independent. Sometimes, in some ways, more important than our love relationships with our men. We turn to our friends when things go wrong with our love relationships, our jobs or with other friends. Our girlfriends are our confidants. Only a few friends of mine know EVERYTHING about me-secrets that I would faint over it they became public knowledge-Things I couldn't hold in-but just had to get out. My truest friends are like living, breathing vaults. What I tell them gets stored safely and kept from being revealed. At my age, when I get stressed about things, and just can't take them anymore, calling my mother is not what I prefer. Instead, I think about unloading on my girlfriends because I know they will always listen and won't be parental. We encourage each other to talk, divulge, and lend our shoulders to cry on and in some way, we kind of enjoy it. We are each other's therapist. I love my friends deeply and with all my heart. They know who they are. I look forward to being with them as much as I can, and treat my monthly gatherings like religious events-they're not to be missed. Because being with the girls is important in keeping a woman's soul content. It's necessary for the health of my mind and my well being. Without them I'd be forever lost.

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My mom called me in the middle of the day last Wednesday with a pleading tone in her voice. "Would you please pick me up today and take me to the hospital to see Dorothy-she's taken a turn for the worse, and they don't think she'll make it through the night." Dorothy is my mom's friend of 30 years and she is dying of lung cancer. I knew my mom had no way to get to the hospital on her own, because she has a difficult time seeing when she drives. I had so much to do that day-a doll to make for a Mother's Day order and I was dug in and on a roll and I didn't want to leave because I had a strong desire to finish and get it mailed out. But, more than wanting to finish that doll, I had a knawing feeling that I was the only way my mom would get to see Dorothy while she was still alive and I didn't want to be the reason why she was denied that right, particuliarly since I was basically available and able to do it. I knew this was important to her, so I agreed to take her to the hospital.

While in the car travelling to the hospital, my mom reflected on her years of friendship with Dorothy and, through tears, told me Dorothy is her only girlfriend and she will be so lost without her. My mom is going to be 80 in November and Dorothy just turned 71. My mom kept saying, "I never thought I'd be seeing this day-I thought she would be burying me. Why does God take the good ones?" I really didn't know what to say, so instead, I just lent an ear to her painful memories.

We got to the hospital and didn't know what to expect, because she hadn't seen Dorothy since before she got diagnosed with cancer just before Easter. With trepidation, we entered the room and saw Dorothy lying in the bed, asleep with her mouth wide open and drawn in, and she was beginning the shallow type of breathing called 'chain stoking, which is characteristic of impending death. I recognized it from going through this when my mother-in-law was dying of cancer. They can hear you, all you have to do is go up to them and say their name and they open their eyes for a few seconds and acknowledge you then go back into what seems a semi-coma.

The tears came quickly for my poor mom. She absolutely hated seeing her best friend lying there helpless and ready to die. She just kept saying, "What am I going to do without her? She's my only girlfriend." It tore my heart out listening to her. I imagined the future and being in her shoes. What if it was one of my precious girlfriends lying there dying? I would be absolutely besides myself with grief. My friends are so important to me-now more than ever in my life, I have needed them like a daily dose of vitamins. What is my mom going to do?

I urged her to go by Dorothy's side and talk to her-to let her know she's there and that she should tell her the things she wants her to know before she passes. This was her only chance. She stood there, stunned, tears running down her wrinkled cheeks. All she could do was gently and lovingly rub her friend's arm from elbow to wrist, incapable of saying a word. "Mom," I encourged, "Talk to her. She can hear you."

"Dorothy...it's Ann. I'm here. I love you." Dorothy very briefly awoke, nodded her head and told her, very weakly that she loved her, too. Oh, my God, it was so sad. Tears welled up in my eyes and it was all I could do to keep from crying, but I had to be strong for my mom.

We sat there for a few hours and watched her rest. I sat at the foot of her bed and watched Dorothy's chest rise and fall, and I could see her heart beating through her hospital gown. Her poor heart was working as hard as it could, but soon, very soon, it would beat it's last. Her breaths were distant and long, and I found myself breathing in time with her. I felt short of breath because her breathing rhythm wasn't enough for me to sustain myself comfortably. I imagined if that's what dying felt like. (Trust me. In a quiet room with a dying person, there's not much to do and your imagination can run away with you.) Each breath was followed by the next in what seemed like an eternity. She appeared to be gasping for air because she was only breathing with one lung-the other was full of cancer and wasn't functioning. As she lay there, I got fearful, and kept thinking she was going to die right in front of me. I watched her and thoughts flooded my mind of when she was healthy-she was so funny, and full of life. She and my mom were both career waitresses. Dorothy had just quit working less than a year ago. These women both worked hard their entire lives and had a real commonality. They understood eachother. They confided in eachother, cried together, and shared laughter and joys. It was all about to come to an end.

The nurse came in and asked Dorothy if she wanted her to call her daughter from Pennsylvania, and she slowly nodded her head yes, and said very stongly, "I love her!" I won't ever forget that. I plan on telling her daughter Dianna what she said. I know it will make her feel good.

My mom called me yesterday and told me Dorothy passed at 7am while her priest was praying over her. She died peacefully and with God. Now my mom is friendless and my heart truly aches for her. What is she to do? She's almost 80, and it's probably too late for her to make new friends, at least the the kind with deep bonds of trust that's shared between two women that only comes after a long time of sharing and caring. After 45 years of life together, my mom and I have the same elements of a friendship, hewn from decades of familiarity, and weathering difficult stages of life together, finally popping to the surface in one piece and still loving eachother. We see each other as equals now. I'm still 'the kid' but in some ways, my mom is now seeing me as a confidant - a friend. I find myself turning to her at times of stress. I love her. I enjoy her company. It's time for me to step up to the plate and take her under my wing. My mother needs a friend now and that friend is me.
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Emily - thanks so much for sharing this story with Girlfriendology and for your beautiful, wonderful blog. For your gracious sharing of this story and for the example of friendship that you set, thank you. Your mom, me, you ... we all need girlfriends.

Spreading the Girlfriendology word at BlogHer in NYC

I am on a mission to spread the word about the importance of female friendship - that's what Girlfriendology is all about! I attended BlogHer this week to promote Girlfriendology and learn from a lot of fabulous, smart, savvy, fun women how to use social media to inspire 'girlfriendship' around the globe. Here's my first ever Utterz message (audio recording) from a loud hotel lobby in NYC:

Mobile post sent by girlfriendology using Utterz.  Replies.  mp3

For info on making a similar pendant, visit GirlfriendologyToo - the blog for the creative side of girlfriends.

Celebrate International Women's Day!

March 8th: Today is International Women's Day. It is celebrated as an official holiday in Armenia, Russia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Bulgaria, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Macedonia, Moldova, Mongolia, Tajikistan, Ukraine, Uzbekistan and Vietnam. In these countries, men give flowers, cards and gifts to women - wives, daughters, coworkers, etc.

In the U.S. it appeared to be celebrated in random events in large cities. (Not nearly enough though! It should be a National Holiday!) Thankfully corporate sponsors have participated and supported this event.

As a woman, with a mission to encourage female friendship, it reminds me to reach out to other women. My belief is that if I have a girlfriend in South Africa, I will care more about South Africa. The same if I have a friend in another area of town, suddenly I listen more intently when the media reports a crime or accident in that neighborhood.

Did you celebrate International Women's Day? If so, how? If not, how can we raise awareness and support for this in the future? However you spent your day or your thoughts on this event, remember to be thankful for being a woman, for the women who came before us to bring freedom and rights and for the women we can help - even just by being their friend.

What is a girlfriend?

Just a normal week, actually, until Friday. On Friday two things happened. But I'll get to that in a minute.

On our little dead-end, tree-lined, built in the 1920's street, we have lots of friends. Anne, Ann and Ann live here. Four babies were brought home last year and Sunny and Dolly are currently pregnant. We have happy hours in the summer and book club throughout the year. Houses are bought and sold. Friendships are made and kept even after moving away. We 'do life' together and feel very blessed for our neighbors.

One of our neighbors, Eula, worked until she was about 82 (five years ago) and brought us cookies, came to our New Year's Day brunch and showed us pictures from when she was a missionary in Africa and went big game hunting to feed a village. Her daughter and son-in-law live on the other side of us so she walked by frequently and always made great conversation. Being such a part of our neighborhood, we were shocked and deeply saddened to find out on Friday that Eula had passed away Friday morning. Our neighborhood will miss this wonderful, kind, loving person.

Also on Friday, my girlfriend Angie, who has been on bed-rest for a couple months, called to tell me that she is being induced this weekend. Baby Madeline will join the world probably today and very hopefully as a small but healthy baby. (Welcome baby Madeline!)

This day of sadness and anticipation stirs the question: 'what is a girlfriend?' I wouldn't say Eula was a typical girlfriend - we never went out to dinner just the two of us or shared shopping tips, etc., but she was definitely a friend to so many of us and her spirit will be missed by knew her. Angie is a girlfriend (and she does have great retail and style advice!) and follow each others lives through jobs and other important life changes.

To me a girlfriend can be many things - from a nice, caring neighbor to a friend I call on a regular basis to laugh with and catch up. Girlfriends are more than just a friend who happens to be female ... a LOT more. Girlfriends have an interest in our lives and cheer us towards our dreams. They laugh, cry, brainstorm, plot, shop, eat with us - whatever our need is for them as a friend. And, girlfriends allow us to be ourselves and they love us for exactly who we are. Each of our girlfriends bless our lives with qualities and lessons that are important and memorable.

Think about YOUR girlfriends. Who is a casual friend who you cherish just knowing, living near or working with? What best friends of yours are always on call to be there for you - in good times and bad? Now think about ... what can you do to bless their day or show them how much they mean to you? AND now ... DO IT! Reach out. Call a friend. Bring her favorite Starbucks drink to a coworker/girlfriend. Send a card or write an email. Show your girlfriends not only how much their friendship means to them but also that you know what it means to be girlfriend. Thanks girlfriends!

Oprah's advice on Girlfriends, events, etc.

Across the couch from Oprah yesterday, she shared her thoughts for Girlfriendology and great ideas for girlfriend trips, events, website options, etc. I loved how she 'gets' Girlfriendology and how important it is for girlfriends to spend time together, support and encourage each other and celebrate our friendships.

No, I wasn't dreaming. I was just at a Halloween party and my friend Ellen was dressed as our favorite TV show host. Ellen, who actually has been on Oprah and was recently featured in O magazine (the issue shown above) for her emotional-eating coaching business, does share Oprah's commitment to the value of female friendships. We all know about Oprah and her best friend, Gayle. I know that Oprah and Gayle 'get' girlfriendology too. (I'll just patiently wait for the call from Harpo Productions, but it will come!)

At the party Ellen, Lydia, Colleen and Amy all asked about how things are going for Girlfriendology. I shared how the podcasts and web/blog traffic are growing and some of the exciting things that are coming. Then, out of their wonderful, caring friendships, they all offered ideas and support. I love when women 'get it' and are so supportive. It felt like being wrapped in hugs. Very comforting and warm on a chilly Fall evening.

Thanks Oprah (Ellen), Annie Oakley (Lydia), Maxwell Smart (Amy) and Shopping Charge Card (Colleen) for caring and sharing. I look forward to a lot of great ideas in '08 and having you along side as we adventure toward all of our dreams!

Connecting with Girlfriends ... no matter the distance, time, changes

I've been MIA this week due to a quick trip to northern WI. Surrounded by beautiful autumn leaves, a calm but chilly Lake Superior and a lot of wildlife (including a wolf that my girlfriend Cara saw!), friends from OH, MI, MN and CO convened to connect after months up to five years of not seeing each other. It was a glorious gathering!

Isn't it funny how you can not see a girlfriend for literally years and you feel like you just saw her yesterday? I feel that way with my girlfriends on the trip, especially Lindy who is a dog lover and felt our pain through losing our sweet golden, Stella, two months ago. We cried together, laughed together, ate a lot together, just enjoyed being in the same room or on the same hiking trail together.

What is it about true friendship that bonds us to each other? Is it our commonalities? Or do we seek diversity and a different point of view? It isn't necessarily our ages - we had a 40 year range in our baker's dozen of friends on this trip and conversations were never limited to regional, age or other demographics. We don't all come from the same backgrounds - two teachers, several creatives, many entrepreneurs and a host of other characteristics. Our interests vary from sports to cultural events, crafts to reading, hiking to dancing. No one would have eHarmony'd us all to be great friends through years of change!

The Nigerian proverb tells us to "Hold a dear friend with both hands." Over time, distance, changes, differences ... friendships, especially between females, deserve to be cherished and celebrated. What a joy to experience beautiful friendships in such breath-taking surroundings. How sweet to walk beside a friend and learn from them, laugh with them, hold their hand and receive love and understanding from them.

Thanks Amy, Kate, Cara, Chondra, Jo, Aimee and Lindy for your love, support and friendship. May we have many more times in the future laughing, crying, sharing and just being ... together.

Girl Scouts, Rosie Molinary and Self Esteem (we NEED our girlfriends!)

Tuesday night my girlfriend Penny asked me to teach her Girl Scouts. (She LOVED that Kris Radish mentioned Girl Scouts as a way to form female friendships in our recent podcast!) Somewhat under the guise of teaching beading techniques, we really focused on having our own individual style and expressing it through beading, art, music, etc. It was a fun evening and I think all of us 'girls' learned a lot together.

I've been recently introduced to Rosie Molinary. Rosie is an author and teacher. She has recently written a book - Hijas Americanas - Beauty, Body Image and Growing Up Latina. We're honored to interview Rosie for our next podcast.

Did you know that having girlfriends (for young or not-so-young women) is important to your self esteem? We'll discuss this with Rosie in the coming week. What questions do you have for her? What would you like to hear about in our next podcast? Let us know at info@girlfriendology.com.

Just like those great Girl Scouts and their individual style, and Rosie and the lessons we'll learn about female friendships, girlfriends are not only fun but they're also important. Spend time with your girlfriends. Make a new friend. Learn from each other. Hug. Thanks girlfriends!

Podcast of interview with best-selling author KRIS RADISH

October 5, 2007: Cincinnati, OH Kris Radish, author of best-selling books such as THE ELEGANT GATHERING OF THE WHITE SNOWS, DANCING NAKED AT THE EDGE OF DAWN, ANNIE FREEMAN'S FABULOUS TRAVELING FUNERAL and THE SUNDAY LIST OF DREAMS talked with Girlfriendology on her books, life and, most of all, her thoughts on girlfriends. AND, Kris shared a FIRST with Girlfriendology - an introduction to the women (and men) we'll meet in her upcoming book SEARCHING FOR PARADISE IN PARKER, PA.

Join us as Kris answers questions submitted by Girlfriendology newsletter subscribers. Thanks Kris! Thanks girlfriends!

PODCAST: Girlfriendology interviews Author KRIS RADISH