Mr. Big, Mom's Girlfriend and Female Friendship

I found the following wonderful story on the Blond & Blithe blog. It is a beautiful, happy, sad story on girlfriends. Thanks Emily for writing it and for granting me permission to feature it here. Check out her blog for more fun, feminine stories and take a lesson from Emily to cherish your time with girlfriends!

Mr. Big to Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte: "You're the loves of her life and a guy's just lucky to come in fourth."

Big, of course, understood, (even if it was ficticious), that a woman's friends are everything to her, especially as we get older and more independent. Sometimes, in some ways, more important than our love relationships with our men. We turn to our friends when things go wrong with our love relationships, our jobs or with other friends. Our girlfriends are our confidants. Only a few friends of mine know EVERYTHING about me-secrets that I would faint over it they became public knowledge-Things I couldn't hold in-but just had to get out. My truest friends are like living, breathing vaults. What I tell them gets stored safely and kept from being revealed. At my age, when I get stressed about things, and just can't take them anymore, calling my mother is not what I prefer. Instead, I think about unloading on my girlfriends because I know they will always listen and won't be parental. We encourage each other to talk, divulge, and lend our shoulders to cry on and in some way, we kind of enjoy it. We are each other's therapist. I love my friends deeply and with all my heart. They know who they are. I look forward to being with them as much as I can, and treat my monthly gatherings like religious events-they're not to be missed. Because being with the girls is important in keeping a woman's soul content. It's necessary for the health of my mind and my well being. Without them I'd be forever lost.

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My mom called me in the middle of the day last Wednesday with a pleading tone in her voice. "Would you please pick me up today and take me to the hospital to see Dorothy-she's taken a turn for the worse, and they don't think she'll make it through the night." Dorothy is my mom's friend of 30 years and she is dying of lung cancer. I knew my mom had no way to get to the hospital on her own, because she has a difficult time seeing when she drives. I had so much to do that day-a doll to make for a Mother's Day order and I was dug in and on a roll and I didn't want to leave because I had a strong desire to finish and get it mailed out. But, more than wanting to finish that doll, I had a knawing feeling that I was the only way my mom would get to see Dorothy while she was still alive and I didn't want to be the reason why she was denied that right, particuliarly since I was basically available and able to do it. I knew this was important to her, so I agreed to take her to the hospital.

While in the car travelling to the hospital, my mom reflected on her years of friendship with Dorothy and, through tears, told me Dorothy is her only girlfriend and she will be so lost without her. My mom is going to be 80 in November and Dorothy just turned 71. My mom kept saying, "I never thought I'd be seeing this day-I thought she would be burying me. Why does God take the good ones?" I really didn't know what to say, so instead, I just lent an ear to her painful memories.

We got to the hospital and didn't know what to expect, because she hadn't seen Dorothy since before she got diagnosed with cancer just before Easter. With trepidation, we entered the room and saw Dorothy lying in the bed, asleep with her mouth wide open and drawn in, and she was beginning the shallow type of breathing called 'chain stoking, which is characteristic of impending death. I recognized it from going through this when my mother-in-law was dying of cancer. They can hear you, all you have to do is go up to them and say their name and they open their eyes for a few seconds and acknowledge you then go back into what seems a semi-coma.

The tears came quickly for my poor mom. She absolutely hated seeing her best friend lying there helpless and ready to die. She just kept saying, "What am I going to do without her? She's my only girlfriend." It tore my heart out listening to her. I imagined the future and being in her shoes. What if it was one of my precious girlfriends lying there dying? I would be absolutely besides myself with grief. My friends are so important to me-now more than ever in my life, I have needed them like a daily dose of vitamins. What is my mom going to do?

I urged her to go by Dorothy's side and talk to her-to let her know she's there and that she should tell her the things she wants her to know before she passes. This was her only chance. She stood there, stunned, tears running down her wrinkled cheeks. All she could do was gently and lovingly rub her friend's arm from elbow to wrist, incapable of saying a word. "Mom," I encourged, "Talk to her. She can hear you."

"Dorothy...it's Ann. I'm here. I love you." Dorothy very briefly awoke, nodded her head and told her, very weakly that she loved her, too. Oh, my God, it was so sad. Tears welled up in my eyes and it was all I could do to keep from crying, but I had to be strong for my mom.

We sat there for a few hours and watched her rest. I sat at the foot of her bed and watched Dorothy's chest rise and fall, and I could see her heart beating through her hospital gown. Her poor heart was working as hard as it could, but soon, very soon, it would beat it's last. Her breaths were distant and long, and I found myself breathing in time with her. I felt short of breath because her breathing rhythm wasn't enough for me to sustain myself comfortably. I imagined if that's what dying felt like. (Trust me. In a quiet room with a dying person, there's not much to do and your imagination can run away with you.) Each breath was followed by the next in what seemed like an eternity. She appeared to be gasping for air because she was only breathing with one lung-the other was full of cancer and wasn't functioning. As she lay there, I got fearful, and kept thinking she was going to die right in front of me. I watched her and thoughts flooded my mind of when she was healthy-she was so funny, and full of life. She and my mom were both career waitresses. Dorothy had just quit working less than a year ago. These women both worked hard their entire lives and had a real commonality. They understood eachother. They confided in eachother, cried together, and shared laughter and joys. It was all about to come to an end.

The nurse came in and asked Dorothy if she wanted her to call her daughter from Pennsylvania, and she slowly nodded her head yes, and said very stongly, "I love her!" I won't ever forget that. I plan on telling her daughter Dianna what she said. I know it will make her feel good.

My mom called me yesterday and told me Dorothy passed at 7am while her priest was praying over her. She died peacefully and with God. Now my mom is friendless and my heart truly aches for her. What is she to do? She's almost 80, and it's probably too late for her to make new friends, at least the the kind with deep bonds of trust that's shared between two women that only comes after a long time of sharing and caring. After 45 years of life together, my mom and I have the same elements of a friendship, hewn from decades of familiarity, and weathering difficult stages of life together, finally popping to the surface in one piece and still loving eachother. We see each other as equals now. I'm still 'the kid' but in some ways, my mom is now seeing me as a confidant - a friend. I find myself turning to her at times of stress. I love her. I enjoy her company. It's time for me to step up to the plate and take her under my wing. My mother needs a friend now and that friend is me.
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Emily - thanks so much for sharing this story with Girlfriendology and for your beautiful, wonderful blog. For your gracious sharing of this story and for the example of friendship that you set, thank you. Your mom, me, you ... we all need girlfriends.

TIP TUESDAY #17 - Your Favorite Girlfriend Blog

Have you met any friends on the Internet? Found any bloggers with whom you can relate and share their thoughts? Located an old college girlfriend or 'googled' an childhood friend?

Personally I love how the Internet can build community - especially among women. This week an online event is going on that does just that. The Ultimate Blog Party is an event hosted by 5 Minutes for Mom and gathers postings from over a 1000 women-only blogs. Check it out and you may make a new friend! (or two!)

So, this week's TIP TUESDAY question is:

What is your favorite girlfriend blog?

This can be someone who know personally or a woman that you've just read on the Internet that you admire, are inspired by or that teach you something that you need to learn.

A few of my favorite girlfriend blogs: KATIE HACKER - a great friend and beader who inspires me creatively and challenges me to make time for beading!, LINDA PETERSON - another girlfriend who is creative and has a wonderful outlook on life that she journals on her blog, JILL MACKAY - a dear friend and advisor who also creates amazing jewelry designs and (recent podcast guest) MARGOT POTTER who has a sassy, creative style through her blog on beading and life in general.

Now it's YOUR turn! Take a look through the list of ULTIMATE BLOG PARTY girlfriend blogs and share your favorites! Thanks Girlfriends!

Great Girlfriend Info for all you Work at Home Moms (or wannabes!)

You know how one web site leads to another, which takes you to yet another and before long you're on a totally different subject matter than when you started?! I found myself on a site that was very well done, informative, and while I'm not a 'mom' (do pets count?), I found myself reading and being very impressed with the information and style presented. It was one of those - "I should share this with my girlfriends" kind of moments!

So, I contacted Lisa Mills, the founder of Work At Home Mom Revolution and she was gracious enough to share her story and her passion for helping women find fulfillment and income while meeting the needs of their family by being at home. So, from LISA:

I started my site, Work at Home Mom Revolution, a little over a year ago. I really feel that the Internet has opened up a whole new world of possibility to moms who want to work from home. There are so many opportunities available online to make money, whether it's starting your own business, working as an independent contractor, virtual assisting - you name it.

My main "girlfriend" support for the last few years has been the community at WAHM.com. I've learned so much from the other moms who frequent the discussion board there. Also, that's where I found my first and primary job as a transcriptionist. I believe networking is key to finding the right work at home job. It's also key to avoiding the multitude of work at home scams out there.

My site is set up to provide information not only to those moms looking for work from home, but also those already working there. I try to mix the posting of new job and business opportunities with helpful articles on productivity, personal finance, parenting, saving money. And frequently, there's a little bit of my own personal life in there. I often throw in something just because I find it interesting or funny.

I'm really excited about how far Work at Home Mom Revolution has progressed so far. I've met the traffic goals I set for myself when I started the site. But what's really exciting is that I've met so many nice people and made so many online friends through the site. Working from home can be lonely at times, so this has really been a blessing.

Check out Lisa's site and send it on to your girlfriends who will benefit from this information. Thanks Lisa!

Katie Hacker - a girlfriend who inspires me (and also you!)

Do your girlfriends inspire you? One might be a runner or walker, so you decide to do a half marathon. Another girlfriend may be a wonderful chef, which inspires you to try new recipes. Your knitting girlfriend teaches you and soon you're a knitting girlfriend too! I love that about girlfriends. Together we have more fun, learn more and become more 'ourselves' through our female friends.

My girlfriend KATIE HACKER is inspiring. She has written more than 20 craft books including Hip to Bead, Katie's Basics of Beading and 30-Minute Beading. She also presents Beading Lessons on the PBS show Beads, Baubles & Jewels, is a columnist for Simply Beads magazine and teaches workshops at national conventions like the Bead & Button Show. Although her specialty is beading, she does lots of other crafts as well and she has some great ideas for crafting with and for your girlfriends.

Listen to our NEW podcast with Katie and she'll inspire you - to craft for and with your girlfriends, to make time for your friends, to connect with your girlfriends through the internet and just to be more comfortable with your own creativity!

Check out Katie's blog for updates, creative ideas and her recent Ornament Round Robin (where creative women all made ornaments and share their ideas - the final one will happen this Thursday).

Do you have girlfriends who do inspire you? Please share with Girlfriendology in our December CONTEST - which asks for stories on girlfriends you're thankful for. Please share. Spread the girlfriend gratitude! Honor your girlfriend by telling others how much she inspires you! (and win prizes in the Great Girlfriend Gift Giveaway!)

Why a Blog? And why Girlfriendology???

Research indicates that women NEED female friendships - and that having girlfriends reduces stress and even makes us live longer*. The goal of Girlfriendology is to inspire, appreciate and celebrate girlfriends across the globe. In fact, I believe that having friendships with women in different areas of our city or the world makes us care more about them and be more compassionate, caring, peace-minded and involved. (And what better way to connect long distance than the world wide web?!)

Research also shows that women are catching up with men on internet usage and that we communicate online differently than men. (Dah!) We tend to share more of our lives with each other through email and blogs. Women's friendships are growing through the previously male-dominated internet. Combine all these facts and a blog is the perfect way to share stories, inspiration and ideas for female friendships.

Personally, this Girlfriendology blog has raised my awareness and appreciation of my girlfriends. Updates are inspired by the wonderful women who influence, interact with and care about me. (And I have more inspiring women than even time to blog about you all!) Only a blog can capture the on-going lessons of life and special moments with girlfriends which caused me to start Girlfriendology in the first place!

So, THANKS GIRLFRIENDS for inspiring me and for reminding me why it is so important to make sure we give attention, time, love and support to our great girlfriends.

Do you have female friends who have impacted your life? From giving thoughtful gifts, to cheering you up, to being a fun friend to hang out with - girlfriends make our lives special, happier and even healthier. Call up your girlfriends and get together. Then come back to Girlfriendology and share stories! Celebrate the amazing girlfriends in your life!

* Read more about this: The Tending Instinct, by Shelley Taylor

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If you're creative or 'crafty,' stop by GirlfriendologyToo for the creative side of girlfriends! I'm just growing this site of 'the creative side of inspiration, appreciation and celebration of girlfriends' and I welcome your creative comments!

Creative Girlfriends - Chicago CHA

Wow! That was a whirlwind two days! To Chicago and back for the CHA (Craft/Hobby Assn) tradeshow. If you're into crafts, love to make your own cards or just print an image on cloth and make a pillow out of it, this is THE spot to be to see the newest products and techniques. So inspiring!

To me, even more inspiring are the wonderful, creative girlfriends I have in this industry. They welcomed me into the group seven summer CHA's ago and every year is such a wonderful homecoming where I get to see and hug my creative 'sisters.' If you ever find a group of women who make you feel this welcome, you drive wherever to see them!

A few fun observations from the show:

* Everyone is blogging! Two of my favorite designers and girlfriends are hosting very popular blogs: Katie Hacker keeps beaders up to speed on the latest techniques and scoop in the beading/jewelry world. She's just so cool and creative! My friend, and great clay artist, Linda Peterson brought her fun, whitty and so patient daughter, Mariah, with her to the show. Donna Kato wasn't there (or I missed seeing you!) but is also an amazing clay designer. Check out just some of my creative girlfriends!

* Along that same note, technology has taken over the craft industry. Web sites have online craft shows like HowToTVOnline.com - check out my girl Katie in the jewelry segments! Epson was there with their great printers, scanners and technology solutions for everything from scrapbooking to those personalized pillows. There actually are too many to even go further and, after all, it was a long trip in the past two days!

So off to bed to rest up for the real world. I'll miss seeing my wonderful girlfriends tomorrow but I know we'll be together as soon as we can. (I'm taping with some of them next week in Cleveland so another road trip to see my creative girlfriends!) Enjoy your girlfriends! Every moment with them is precious! Good night!